The Things You Don't Get to Tell Me
by xvicariousx
Summary: A not so short fanfiction about Hiei losing a past lover to suicide. How does the team deal with their loss? But how will the story unfold when she is being brought back and has to repair her life?


Hiei ran with a fitting rage through the rural woods of Japan. Even the fire demon, notorious for his speed couldn't escape the suction of his lungs. He tried to grasp on to the air that felt like was escaping his essence. He was more distempered than ever, the team thought he was defiant before but now he is unpredictable.  
The demon skidded to a stop abruptly, "What the hell am I doing?!" He growled under his breath. His breathing was ragged, he couldn't escape the feelings he had. And it seemed as though when he was being an ass they were easier to deal with. No, he was more than an ass these days, he was violent.  
"What would she think- NO Who the HELL cares!" He argued with his self. He cracked his fist against a nearby tree but it was no use in settling his rage. Becoming more overwhelmed he found his self lowering to the ground. His chest was burning with a fire that wouldn't be put out. He closed his eyes tightly as...he cried?  
The action was so foreign to him, he almost mistaken it for blood flowing from his eyes if it wasn't for the cursed stones hitting the ground with soft 'pings'. Hiei picked one of the beautiful pears and gazed at it with amazement. They were the same color of his mother's stone; the one given to him at birth. Ice apparitions produced these stones at times of great pain or great emotion. Hiei gazed at the stone, remembering his sister Yukina as well. His face softened at her image flashing through his mind. She was so emotional and sweet. Something a lot of demons lack; maybe that is why demons crave a mortal lover. Her ability to love and heal is what male demons crave- she embodies those wretched mortals.  
Hiei fell to one of those wretched mortals. It was something about the way she would just laugh at his inability to empathize with humans outright. She, _she_ called it a cute coping mechanism to his past traumas, whatever the hell that meant.  
_"God, I fucking miss her"  
_  
"There HAS to be something you can do, PACIFIER BREATH!" Yusuke, screaming at Koenma..but this time it was different. There was desperation in the young man's voice. It was rare to see such an emotion out of the what used to be a teenage bad boy.  
"I am working on it, Yusuke. These things take time as it is, and with her being a suicide ca-"  
"ENOUGH! Stop calling it that...it's..it's so disrespectful.." Yusuke looked away abruptly. The wounds of her death were still fresh.  
"It...it is what it is Yusuke. I am not going to sugarcoat the reality. Death is something that should be handled straight forward-"  
"Well it's easy for you to say! You didn't get to know her like we did."  
"(Y/N) (L/N), Her hair was long brown, Thicker than normal, and on a humid day her locks would create a spiral curl- She is five foot, two inches in height. She has a good heart but got lost between the cracks and only pretends she hates everyone but wouldn't blink twice to save someone- SHOULD I GO ON?"  
Yusuke hung his head.  
"I don't think you've heard enough, She was unable to cope with her past and even though she had you guys, she fell to her own demise. She died April 24, 2011- BUT YUSUKE, she was DEAD long ago! Her soul was long gone before she ended her life by emptying her veins!"  
"Okay but what is your point?!"  
"finding her soul will be hard, or it might be hard. I might be able to pull it off. I haven't really been able to look in to it. You're not the only one struggling here Yusuke. It is a shame sending someone that young to the pits of the afterlife."  
"What do you mean her soul, what did you send through the pearly gates then?"  
"It was nothing but a shell Yusuke. Possibly one of the worst feelings in the world. She was just so lost."  
Yusuke sat in silence, still trying to understand. "She's not my only concern you know. I fear for what Hiei will do with her gone."  
"What do you mean?"  
"He has become irrational.." Yusuke trailed off, not trying to spill too much information.  
"What's new?"  
"No I mean even more than before. I am afraid he will go back to killing and committing crimes within the realms and if the demon world gets ahold of him committing crimes they will have him killed based off of his record."  
"Why would he do that? He never gave two shits about any-"  
"I think he loved her."  
"He what?"  
"Yeah, I am just as shocked as you are. But it has been written all over his face...and well, actions."  
Koenma sighed and rubbed his temples. They would have to work carefully. If Hiei was too far over the edge, this could mean a powerful demon was about to go on a killing spree. And despite his size, he was a huge headache for years until he teamed up with Yusuke.  
"I'm going to need to work with me here. I can get her back if he holds on to her soul. She can't be fully laid to rest until he lets her go- which is what we want in this moment. There are two parts to this, that and what I'm about to tell you. We are going to wait until the best moment to bring her back through- as a shell. But you need to be careful not to overwhelm her with too many memories. And speaking of memories, she's going to have limited memories at first. You must be careful as to introduce small things and think baby steps. We only get one chance at this."  
"So you're saying I shouldn't tell Hiei?"  
"Yes, do not tell him. It's bad enough that you all may be distracted on your next mission because of this, but I can't imagine what he would do if he found out- he is VERY stubborn. He might try to force her in to a situation- force her to remember him. It would be wise to find out the nature of their relationship while I work things out on my end."  
"I got it, try and get the ass to talk to me with common sense about his emotions."  
"Seriously Yusuke, Don't fuck this up. Or have fun losing your best friend all over again."

Do you ever walk around, feeling detached? I felt like I was missing something. But I kept moving through the daily motions, the disturbing thoughts never stopped me from living in this cage. The only thing that felt real were the nightmares. I sat by my window in the rural Japan. The last I remembered the winds, they were chilly but nipped at my nose with hints of spring coming through. Today the sun was radiating and burning my pale skin. I also remember not living here, in Genkai's rural home. I thought I lived in the city..."Ahh!" I hissed out, when I got too deep in thought, my wrists would burn and the pains would shoot straight to my heart. I clenched the mystery wound on my arm.  
I held it up to the glistening morning light, there was an absurd scar on..both of them? It couldn't have been a weird birth mark I have missed my entire life?...  
"(y/n)! Are you going to help with dinner tonight?" A voice shouted down the long hallway. It was Botan, She had claimed that she helped me move in here.  
"I'm coming!" I shouted back.

"So you know the rest of the people that live here..." Botan paused- why does it sound like she is correcting herself? "They will be here later tonight."  
"Okay, and?" I shrugged.  
"Well I was just letting you know silly!" She had obviously stumbled.  
"Why are we making dinner early then?" I asked, trying to trap her. I knew she was hiding something.  
"Well..uh- I needed you to eat something for one, and two I thought it would be nice for the rest of the gang to eat when they got back!" She was nervously laughing. She was horrible at hiding things. Who ever put who in charge of "hiding things" did a terrible job at picking the right person.  
Botan has been my primary caretaker if you will, for about two weeks. I don't really remember actually moving to Genkai's temple. I remember waking up in my new bed room. It was anesthetic, almost dreamlike. My body felt weightless and I was spirit and physical at the same time.  
Botan swears that I was just sick for a while. And that I don't remember a thing. But it's just so convenient that our friends have been away for the duration of my so called recovery. It all didn't seem to add up. In my head, each of their faces were blurry and hardly recognizable. They were so far away in my memories, they were so hard to reach. There's one face I can't seem to place his name. His face is blurred. I see him a lot in my dreams and I can picture his body outline in the distance. When I try to focus too hard, I get those strange pains and that crippling ache in my heart.

I sat at the table in the kitchen area after we were done cooking. Botan was more strange than usual tonight. She was more elusive and she was walking on eggshells. Her pale skin seemed clammy and she seemed distracted and kept pacing within the rooms as if she was doing something, but I wasn't quite sure if she actually was doing something. I fiddled with my chopsticks by my bowl of fried noodles and fresh garden vegetables of the season. The trees were shadowing the valley, the outside appeared to be night time except of the hints of oranges and reds in the skies between the thick foliage.  
"Say, Botan?" I called to her, "Does Yukina still live here?"  
"I-uhh, yeah she does." She cleared her throat. "She had some things to take care of in the spirit realms. But I anticipate her return soon. Genkai really could use some more of her healing treatments. Don't tell the old woman I said that."  
I smiled, Genkai was getting older. Which is why she had all of us living here; to maintain her temple and help her in general so she could retire properly. I really missed Yukina, but I couldn't quite place why. I remember her as kind- but why does the thought of her hurt my aching heart?

"It was very unwise of you to cross me, fox" Hiei spat at his long time comrade Kurama.  
"I do not know what you are talking about." Kurama said firmly, eyeing up Hiei's movements preparing for a fight. His heart was skipping a beat, Hiei isn't dumb. He KNOWS what is going on. He has been speculating for weeks now and her energy has returned to the living world. He could feel it, Hiei most definitely could feel her. The only thing he needed was confirmation; Yusuke talking about it to other people, Koenma talking about it. All he needed now in this moment was definition to snap on all of the people he trusted.  
"Why are you playing stupid Kurama!?" Hiei snapped back. His hands were now trembling but soon steadied on the hilt of his sword.  
"Hiei, don't act foolish. Just tell me what you know and we can explain."  
"What do you mean _we_? You HAD the chance to tell me and you all chose to keep it a dirty little secret. Why should I trust you or anyone else to explain the rest of it?"  
"You can't, but do you want to hear what we have to say about it or do you wish to take off running in a fitting rage?"  
"Don't tell me what to do fox."  
"I am not telling you, but you cornering me about it; what is your purpose? What did you intend to accomplish doing so?" Hiei drew his katana, growing more enraged by the moments passing. Nothing was the right answer. "You need to listen to me Hiei. I do not understand your relationship to her, but you can't go storming off and exposing yourself to her-"  
"She's supposed to be fucking DEAD!" He exploded.  
"She was brought back, snap back to the present Hiei. This isn't the time to be getting angry. She was brought back to the living, but her soul is in fragments- that's the best way I can explain it." The fire demons breaths were becoming ragged.  
"Why...why did you bring her back; to torment me?" Hiei's breathing was becoming labored and his knuckles turning white around the hilt of his katana.  
"That was not our intention-"  
"Do you have a fucking clue what it was like finding her like that?! The scent of her blood still burns my very essence. And now I am expected to look this woman in the eyes and pretend she never existed to me..."  
"I understand-"  
"How could you possibly understand fox? You have no attachments to this world."  
"I have my human mother."  
"That is different. She was a new beginning, a new reason for me to exist in this mundane world."  
"The greatest strength achieved is the need to protect. Did you love her? Was she the one?" As quickly as the words came out, Hiei sheathed his sword and turned and with sub-human speed, he was gone. Hopefully not gone to do something reckless and stupid, like shattering y/n's soul back to the netherworld to be lost for good.


End file.
